I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
