I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
