I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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