it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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