We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
