Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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