one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I could make wine with my vomit
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
