We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
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