he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
