I must be too annoying 4 u.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
