I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
is that a dick in a sweater?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
