We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
