hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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