I bet he comes in French.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
