I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Send help, water and tortillas.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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