you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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