getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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