why didn't you poke me back
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
