tell your sister to shave her snatch
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
