dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
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Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
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He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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