And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just want nice things and good sex
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
