you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
