half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
