my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
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