Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
