i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
