So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
