Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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