I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Randomize
