I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
