I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
