I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
