I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Never underestimate the power of titties
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
