so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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