my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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