ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
what the fuck happened to the tacos
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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