nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
