You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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