My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
sarcasm needs its own font
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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