So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
