my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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