Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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