Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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