So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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