my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
