There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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