I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
