I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
