Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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