He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
How does it feel to date your dad?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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