she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
