life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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