i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
