did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
