whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
