In the future we'll all be gay
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
