i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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